Don’t Get Me Wrong!!

DON’T
GET
ME
WRONG.
But “really”, how do you do it?

This is a question that triggers me and prods my insecurities. At the same time, this is also a question that fills me up with the urge to educate someone right then and there. While all of us are responsible to unlearn the lessons of conformity taught by structures and systems through various sources available at different platforms (given you are privileged), I still believe that asking a question of doubt to somebody with a lived experience is okay.

It all depends on how you ask.

Now, you clearly don’t know what I’m talking about. Let’s get this straight.

It is no surprise that the majority of you reading this had little to no sex education in schools or colleges nor did the families you grew up in throw light on the subject. What you saw, you believed and what you saw largely was a single idea of a romantic/sexual relationship that revolved around a man and a woman.

With the rise of feminism in India around the mid-19th century, a spectrum of genders and sexualities opened the doors of revelation to the country’s youth. That said, when I came out as a queer person to my peers and acquaintances, I was slightly taken aback by the absurdity and tone their questions entailed, considering we are exposed to the same things in the same space.

Even today, these questions can be and are asked – I stand as a testament to that.

“Men can at least insert no, what will women insert?”

“Why would two women leave an actual dick, and go for a strap on?”

“Have you tried having sex with a real man?”

“What can you both possibly do?”

“But ‘really’ how do you do it?”

Setting aside the rage that surfaces on hearing these questions, it is very troubling to know how this binary notion, the perception that only blacks and whites can perfectly exist, is so deeply engrained in our minds.

But why do these questions arise?

Some limiting beliefs and heaps of ignorance.

Patriarchy is a pest that has affected every section of the society to an extent that some still cannot wrap their head around the fact that the greatest pleasures life has to offer is not inclusive of a man, or for that matter, a dick. This, in-turn, reflects in the inability to look beyond anything that does not confine to the boundaries of the heteronormative society.

In other cases, it is outright ignorance – a choice to remain blind to the other facets of the world, a choice to stay in a safety bubble.

Again, nobody can know everything.
While I am aware that it is idealistic to expect everyone to learn, accept, and understand where you come from, it is particularly insensitive to not keep yourself informed when you have a family member or a friend coming out to you as queer.
Everybody wants to be seen and heard. If you genuinely want to step into our shoes, and be an ally, here are some ways you could approach us:

“Are you comfortable talking about your sexuality?”

“Can I ask you questions about lesbian sex?”

“Would you be okay sharing your sexual experience with a woman?”

“What does intimacy between two women look like? I’m curious. Are you comfortable sharing this?”

Anything can be learned if you keep your hearts open.
All you need to do is ask.
Respectfully.