Nothing important.
I’ve been wondering if writing can come to me without needing to impress or add value. Just writing everything that comes to my mind with no filter, no edit, the entirely unadulterated version of things with complete incoherence through and through – Every random thought that crosses by.
Thought no 1:
I re-watched Feel Good, and I watched Mae Martin’s Sap. I feel like that show is my whole personality. I’ve been bugging friends to watch it to truly understand the nuances of queer lives. Also, I feel like them watching that show would mean they understand how I feel to a great extent. Anyway, in Mae’s comedy special, she mentions a story where Buddha’s disciple is in the forest chased down by a monstrous beast. He runs and runs and runs and eventually falls into a well where the water is swirling in a bizarre manner, only to realize that there is another beast in the well. Absolute panic. He uses his last ounce of strength to catch hold of a branch. His muscles are quivering, and he sees something golden beaming at the end of the branch. He uses one hand to touch it, puts it in his mouth, and it turns out it is delicious. Here, Mae stops and looks at the audience, waiting for a response, but clearly, everybody is just waiting for an end. She then goes about to say that this is the end. Enjoy something even when there are two beasts up and down, and life is in threat.
Great end to a show I thought.
Thought no 2:
My dad’s been playing very loud music as I write this. I’m only too lazy to move to ask him to reduce the volume. How lazy are we? Sometimes, we are okay with staying in discomfort because we hate to do the work.
I don’t know why I would add some meaning to this.
Thought no 3:
One of my best friends came to spend the weekend with me, and she said something along the lines of “Haal Chaal Roz Poochne Ke Liye Koi Nahi Hai.” So much hassle only to need one person to talk about your day at the end of the day.
Thought no 4:
I do not know how to use any Apple product.
Thought no 5:
Somebody I have known for years who I’ve been with romantically and sexually and who is also a great friend today told me that it is my pattern to ultimately turn into a character that the person I love would fall in love with. The conversation turned out to be very scary for me because it was followed with specific details (all true) from various phases of my life. Through all those experiences I’ve had, playing different roles with different people, I now have collective resentment entirely stored within towards god knows who. It is bursting open at random places for random reasons, like floodgates that broke, which nobody could control. In avoiding red flags, sticking to our core beliefs, practicing what we preach, and whatnot, we are sometimes the red flag in people’s lives. Hoping to reach the one destination we all need to – Acceptance.
Thought no 6:
We were at the office, and there was some discussion that was going on about Rajinikanth. I kept thinking about how much I loved him as a kid. How much I love him now. How much of our lives have gone by enacting his style, constantly repeating his dialogues in regular conversations, and screaming Thalaivar until our throats got fucked. I’m just going to say it. People are still wanting to make movies for him. He is growing so old. His death is right around the corner. How are we going to deal with this?
Thought no 7:
Can people have opinions and perspectives supporting caste slurs, homophobic behavior, and misogynistic acts? I suppose they can; only it would be wrong. Can we live with people who have such opinions? I read a post that you can have an opinion when it’s the color of your curtain. But not over such things, and being with people who support this is like an endorsement to their beliefs. Fully correct. Again, what if they are people who have, at some point, contributed to the betterment of your life? Where do you draw the line?
And and and, is not having an opinion, an opinion? Or just a matter of privilege?
Thought no 8:
With death comes so much curiosity. For everyone. I think. This guy told me, “What if death is like switching off the light? That’s all.” I’ve never stopped thinking about it since then.
Thought no 9:
How would it feel like to work in an all-women office?
Thought no 10:
How do people cope? How do people live with questions, sadness, guilt, the wrongs they’ve done, the rights that also went wrong, this tiredness, and casually get up and live life every day trying to be happy?
What is the secret? Is it actually working out for people?
Thought no 11:
If you keep doing something, will you get better at it? Or will you just keep doing the same thing again and again?
Thought no 12:
Cursor blinking is like pressure to have many more thoughts. How to stop thinking?