Cut to flashback
We have decided to watch Merry Christmas. It’s an uneventful afternoon. On the way, my friends ask me to pull over for a smoke. Two drags in, G looks like she’s been doing some intense thinking. I just stare at them smoking.
“We should find someone by the end of this year”, she says.
S and I laugh. It sounds ridiculous to set a timeline on these things. She knows that. She’s not stupid. She does not say that from a lack of self-esteem or the need for another person in our life. It comes from a place of holding ourselves accountable.
How much burden can we put on the universe?
We’re fine, we’re chilling on most days. We have each other around, and it’s been fun. We’ve been like this for a while now. But on some days, we’ve felt like another person in the picture could help. Just to discuss mundane details of the day, and I think the idea of two people dealing with life and its absurdity seems easier in every sense. Also, let’s face it. The truth is action from time to time is necessary. On some level, all other needs feel like they can be met by self and friends.
Anyway, how long can this go on for?
How long can we be people who don’t put ourselves out there, despise texting, stay tired endlessly, and complain about old age?
Something had to be done.
The thing is S has given up. I’ve tried talking him into installing dating apps. But I guess it comes down to whenever he’s ready. Sad for women who are into men, because he’s the greenest flag.
Me and G, I guess we decided to genuinely try.
TRY.
Hoping to be smooth like Vijay Sethupathi
Cut to somewhere between flashback and recent present
A friend/colleague of mine asked me to show my Bumble profile to judge if it’s working out or not. I was reluctant but ended up showing him to analyze his judgment.
He said, “Why are there pictures from college bro? Some different era this is. Put recent know? And, use your copywriting skills to write better prompts bro. Thu.”
I frowned. In addition to spending every day writing to sell one thing or the other, life has now come to selling self on the internet. Nevertheless, I took his advice very seriously and dug up my gallery to find some recent pictures from office, office photoshoots, and weddings. I uploaded it, and wrote honest prompts.
Thanks to R, the prompts are getting good traction, photos are being liked, and women think I’m cute and funny.
I’m suffering from success.
100% honesty.
Cut to recent present
I attended a cousin’s engagement. Obviously, my relatives were being annoying, asking me when it was my turn. I had lunch and left early to G’s place. I needed a swim, I was irritated. We had lunch together and were prepping to nap.
We were on the bed, well-rested, scrolling through reels while updating each other about life events.
I asked her something along the lines of, “So, how’s it going? Are we finding someone by the end of this year?”
She said, “Aye, year is over.”
I said, “What is this behaviour? It is still March. Go on more dates.”
She said, “Ah. Ah.”
Old age took over, and we surrendered to the bed.
Napping together is an underrated love language.
Felt tanned but cute in engagement, etc.
——————————-
CONVERSATIONS ON DATES / DATING APPS
Women have an intricate network of beautiful thoughts. The world should start paying attention to their minds as much as it does to their bodies.
1:
The plan was to meet for tea. I was on my period – cramping and needy. She was aware of that. We went on two rounds in the car around the same block because parking problems in Bangalore are perpetual journeys. I asked her if she wants tea, and she seemed hesitant to say no. So I told her, it’s fine if you don’t want and asked if she wanted something else.
She said, one lights would be great.
As smokes travelled through wisps of wind, and sips of tea soothed my soul, we watched “Aadujevitham” trailer on an abandoned road under a tree. What followed was an inexplicable feeling of intense love and respect for Cinema, Malayalam Industry, and certainly Prithviraj.
Mutually mind-blown, we started to walk. She spoke with a great sense of passion about the movies, but her eyes lit up when the subject of radio and television were delved into.
I generally like to listen to people and their thoughts for no reason except that it fascinates me.
So, I listened intently.
She said, “Now a days, I think we have these teasers, trailers, one-liners, and reviews that we can read through and watch before watching the actual film. But television days were great. You just had to switch through channels and find out what was that one scene, one defining moment that would make you stop and watch.”
I smiled, wondering if television were the reels of our time.
I didn’t tell her that. Instead, I asked her, “You watched a lot of KTV know?”
And, she laughed.
2:
I can’t catch up and I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I’m very content being the boomer that I am. But women have been sliding the names of theories that I have no clue about.
Pandora’s box
Noah’s ark
The three love theory
Sunk cost fallacy
And, several other things.
I’ve only come across sunk cost fallacy.
What are these theories? Why are people familiarised with this? Who is making them popular? Where can I learn this?
Is this why people don’t divorce?
3:
The gay pool is small. The gays go around dating the same set of people one after another on a trial-and-error basis. Someone is your ex’s ex’s ex. Someone is your ex’s one night stand.
It is what it is.
4:
The kindness of strangers on dating apps baffles me. A medical student doing her PG in general medicine pinged me asking what I was stressed about after reading the caption on one of my feed posts that had a mention about “stressful events in life”.
I told her it was about the day I came out (story for another day) and that I felt stress-free after a long time. The only thing I stress about is health but I’m figuring that as well, so it was really nothing as such.
She asked me if I wanted to share what it was about my health, and offered to help.
I had made a conscious decision to not share basic health problems to women who are doctors because it can feel annoying and why would I do that with people who could be potential partners?
Their jobs are tiring enough, and I didn’t want to be that generic person who would meet doctors and be like, “So, where should I start – back pain?”
It had been only three days since we had started texting. A very on and off, two-texts-a-day situation. But, I intuitively knew she was a great person, and I saw only a friendship there.
So, I denied. Twice. Thrice.
She insisted. A lot. She said it was her job and she loved it. I gave in and told her. The investment of time and energy that she put in to articulate what was really going on question after question and with great attention to detail was moving.
She continues to be persistent, genuinely concerned about my well-being. She thinks I have a great smile and that I’m a kind person. I do not know how to receive compliments. It’s the only thing that can make me awkward. I dodge it by asking how she knows I’m a kind person. She tells me she read few pieces of what I wrote in her seminar class and that you can know about someone from their writings.
Can you? I don’t know, I’m not sure.
I promised her I would find someone great for her.
Who are these people – Are they the ones saving the world from its miseries?
5:
I’m exploring spontaneity. It is something I don’t think I’m capable of doing. I need organisation. Prior notice. Planning, if not in detail, but at least an idea of the major structure of the day. I want to know what I’m looking forward to.
For once, I decided to break the cycle. 1 hour into the conversation, after ensuring that the person on the other side was not a serial killer, I asked her if we could meet up the next morning. We had been texting late in the evening and into the night. She happened to be free and extremely hot. She did skateboarding and rock climbing. She was ambitious. All of that.
The next morning, she turned up an hour late. I kept waiting in the car. I wasn’t angry or restless. This is why I carry a book everywhere. I started reading a little bit. She was apologetic. We walked around Cubbon Park, rambling about random things. She had a knack with insects and climbed trees. She walked backward, asking me questions you find on Google when you search “how to get to know a person” or “questions you can ask on first dates” which was fine. It’s just how it is when you meet someone for the first time.
Then, she told me she was a Brahmin and how the atrocities of Brahmin households are endless. She was furious and told me a story in detail about how her mother prefers the kitchen situation to be a certain way.
“Nobody talks about how much brahmins are affected by the behaviour of brahmins.”, she said.
I nodded.
Cubbon Park is truly a peaceful place
6:
Sorry to inform you that the world is not big. It is so small that if you sit and start tracking who knows whom, it won’t take you 5 minutes to make a family chart. It’s that easy, especially in Bangalore and Chennai.
Be careful who you fuck around with.
Word of mouth spreads faster than the speed of your internet.
7:
I knew my love language is physical touch.
I have recently realised that my love language is also “I need my partner to read what I write.”
It has somehow become the highest form of consideration and greatest act of love.
8:
There was this woman I matched with who started the conversation by singing “Snehithane” in Telugu. I wanted to throw up. She had a beautiful voice. It was soothing, to be honest, to the extent that I wanted her to sing more. Best first move, if you ask me. But it was in Telugu, and my brain couldn’t comprehend it. My childhood was ruined in 20 seconds. Nevertheless, adorable gesture. I fully support.
She asked me how I knew these many languages. I flexed, little bit. Just, little bit. Then she seemed irritated about the Hinge interface and how it does not let you select messages and reply to them. Genuine, relatable concerns. Between all of this, I had somehow missed that she was partnered.
I find it very admirable that couples are able to explore their sexuality together, that they can hold space for each other, that they can communicate about complex feelings with honesty, that they love each other despite it, are devoid of judgment and put in the effort to check in how they feel about something at every step of the way.
I cannot picture myself in this position. I can’t pull this off. It seems stressful to me on every level. But, it feels genuinely nice that this is actually working out for a lot of people.
What are those eyes? Don’t know if I want to be her or do her.
9:
Polyamory has a lot to do with being secure with yourself.
10:
The internet is overflowing with opinions about Sufi and Anjali’s break up. For those of you who don’t know who Sufi and Anjali are, here’s some context – Sufi is from Pakistan, and Anjali is from India. They are a same-sex influencer couple popular on the internet for subjects like lifestyle, fashion, and travel but mostly their queerness. They were supposed to get married this year but ended up breaking their wedding because Sufi cheated on Anjali. They announced this publicly on both their pages.
People from the LGBTQIA+ community and outside of it are taking this very personally. They are genuinely hurt and broken. In-detailed discussions are going on. It’s on the news and what not.
Some think they saw this coming, while others are shattered with little to no hope left. Some are pissed it’s on the news because there are better things to cover. Some said it was unnecessary to announce this publicly. Some felt they owed it to their audience because the audience made their career to a great extent. Some still thought they could have avoided mentioning that Sufi cheated on her because that would lead to Sufi’s mass character assassination.
A lot of this.
The problem with this is visibility. There are very few queer couples that we know and see off that are happy and content, out and about, living their lives the way they want to. It is understandable and natural for every queer person to put them on a pedestal and live their dreams through them because they instill some sense of hope time and again.
But aren’t we all collectively forgetting that they are human too?
Straight or queer, they are allowed to be flawed.
11:
The politics of “top and bottom”, “masc and femme”, “casual and relationship” is stressing me out. Sure, we are all trying to break labels and stereotypes only to feel entitled and fit into one all over again.
12:
Thirst messages from strangers are hilarious. People get so creative, I can’t even. The immediate reaction from my brain after reading them is just “Very good.”. At some point, I’m going to start taking screenshots and make one carousel post, so we can all laugh together and say, “Very good.”
I can understand everyone is horny. But this much?
Very good
13:
A’s cousin has a cat. It’s called Lola. We got drunk and went to her cousin’s place. When I first met A years ago, she had shown me several pictures of the cat. Cutest ever. I’ve been wanting to meet it since forever. The second I walked in, I carried Lola and hugged her.
I’ve never felt this comforted over a hug in so long.
I wanted to cry.
The next morning, I thought of it deeply.
Meet, Lola.
14:
I had been to a pride party last year in November. Being in an alien club around alien people felt home. Freedom and liberation was in the air. I kept scanning the entire room. To be and see people free and uninhibited was the best feeling in the world. A feeling I had longed for. My friend asked me if I found someone pretty. Initially, I ignored that question. I just wanted to watch everyone and feel happy. That’s all I wanted to do. Observe. As time passed by, more and more people walked in.
The DJ was on fire. The dance floor started to get cramped, but we still danced non-stop. Severals beers were chugged. After an hour or so, she asked me the same question again. I scanned the entire room and said no-one really, nobody seems like my type.
We continued drinking.
We continued dancing.
Then, my friend pointed out at this woman who was wearing a green dress.
She asked, “What about her?”
I said no.
In that same instance, another woman walked-in and made conversation with her. She was wearing a white shirt, and a blue jeans. She had big, beautiful eyes, even better eyelashes, levelled teeth that took the shape of a smile that was certain to catch your eye, and thick hair clipped at all times. She took the initiative of buying shots for all her friends. In the lesbian world, she would come off as the perfect balance between masc and femme.
I told my friend I find her pretty. My friend suggested I go talk to her.
I wanted to talk but I denied because what was the point? This was my argument.
She counter-argued with logic. She said this is where I would meet people and who knows where it could go?
Give it a shot. Blah. Blah. Blah. Perfect wing woman. My eyes darted around to find her. She was on the comparatively less crowder side of the dance floor which was convenient for conversation. I walked towards her and told her “Hi, I find you very pretty.”
In retrospect, what a stupid, basic line. I’m sure I could have come up with something way better. She could’nt hear. The music was deafening. So, I had to repeat basic lines again. She smiled and said, “Thank you.” I put my hand forward and said, “I’m Soundarya.” I also have no idea where I was going with this. But, okay. She shook hands and told me her name. She was extremely shy and had a soft personality that I instantly liked. I asked her what she did for a living, and she said she was a doctor in a prominent hospital in Bangalore. I gawked. Someone was living my childhood dream.
Then, we parted ways. She went back to chill with her friends and I went back to chill with mine. We left a while later. But, my friend had left his purse on the table. So, we entered the pub again in search of it.
He looked for the purse desperately.
I looked for her desperately.
We both found what we wanted. He was lucky enough that he came home with what he wanted. I wasn’t. When we left, I told him I saw her with someone. She seemed to be having the time of her life.
We looked at each other, nodded our heads, mumbled, “Umm, life. What to do?”, in chorus, and left.
The next day my friends enquired how the party was. All I spoke was about how open, free, and inclusive the culture was. How the queers deserve happiness and how Bangalore was such a great city. They just wanted to know if I met someone.
I told them I had spoken to a lot of people, especially gay men and only one woman who I thought was pretty and was a doctor.
A conversation for exactly 15 seconds.
Small talk. Nothing much.
That afternoon, a pride march was organised and I secretly hoped to see her. I was hungover but I showed up. This is what they call dedication, friends. I stood outside the town hall, sweating profusely after the march, with a bottle of water in my hand, examining a sea of people thoroughly row after row.
15 minutes of waiting, and I spotted her friend. The sheer excitement and adrenaline rush experienced in that moment of hope that there could be a teeny tiny possibility that she was around had skyrocketed.
Sadly, there was no luck. She wasn’t around. I needed to sleep, so we left.
I thought of her sometimes when we spoke of pride parties.
Those beautiful eyelashes.
5 months later, I happened to see her profile on one of the dating apps. The first picture displayed only the right half of her face. I knew it in a whim it was her. Obviously, unforgettable face.
We matched.
If this was a movie, this is where the editor would cut for interval.
I waited for two days to find out if she remembered events of the past. When she introduced herself, I was tripping. I knew the basic details. I had had fun playing along. Enough was enough. She genuinely had no memory of meeting me. So, two days later I revealed that we had already met. She wouldn’t believe me. I gave her details about what she wore, who she was with, and what she did.
She was stunned, taken aback. I have recently discovered that she’s a brat, a single child as stubborn as me, and an anesthesiologist. She’s ambitious and hard-working. Her love for sleep is unmatchable. In addition to having good looks, she also has a great sense of humour. She makes me blush – disgusting. I hate texting, but we’ve been texting a lot. She’s doesn’t talk much over text but she’s easy to talk to. I know because she calls me sometimes. She’s kind and considerate and tells me I’m too fond of avocados. She thinks it’s funny to pout your mouth before kissing and that cunnilingus is boring. She’s not passionate about cinema nor does she read books, except competitive ones. I suggested she watch Tamil and Malayalam cinema. She said no. Few days later, she said fine, I’ll broaden my perspectives.
We don’t have much in common, which is great.
The discovery of the new and unknown will hold the excitement.
R has been cracking too many doctor jokes. “Did doctor give you anaesthesia?”, “Is she numbing your pain?” The silliest and lamest of jokes. Then, he captures videos of me smiling at work, sends it to me, and pesters me to show her picture.
Uncontrollable.
It’s all been nice and fun to be honest. As I type this, I know I sound obsessed with her. That’s not the case because we haven’t even met except for that brief conversation that one night. I’m aware of everything that can go wrong, of how every idea in my head can go down the drain.
Maybe it’ll not even feel as good as it does now when we meet.
Maybe, it will.
Who knows?
She’s polyamorous. I’m monogamous. She wants something casual. I’m a “I will see where this goes with time” person. I haven’t been thinking much about that though.
For now, all I truly want is to wait for her like Madhavan in Alaipayuthey outside her house, pick up a cute fight about why she’s late, tell her we can discuss this once she opens the door, and pamper her the minute we step in while she complains how we can do all of this later because she hasn’t even had a bath after coming from hospital.
I am laughing so much right now.
Is this too much to ask?
Anyway, if this happens, I’ll be living the movie life. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll still be living the movie life.
What can we possibly do?
A great premise, and a cute plot would have a terrible climax.
At least, something has a climax.
Just.
15:
Meeting new people has been nice. Finding a romantic partner by the end of this year seems very skeptical.
But queer friends?
I’m certain to make many.
It’s nice to know you are not alone and can look at a few and feel relatable.